It's been 7 months.
I keep telling myself that it will be
easier over time. I keep thinking about how people are convinced that
time heals wounds, that it'll get easier after this, that I just need
to keep looking ahead, remembering how she might want me to live.
Sometimes, it feels stupid.
Sometimes, it feels like a waste... not
that I know what it is that I'm wasting.
We're entering into the Winter Holiday
season. Thanksgiving and Christmas always felt synonymous with
Kathleen. She always talked about how much she looked forward to
creating good memories of these holidays with her husband, her
children. She might have loved Halloween for it's ghost stories and
the crispness of fall, the colors and the excitement, but in my mind,
Thanksgiving and Christmas were her holidays.
I've cried a lot already this past
week. Maybe that's why, despite that quiet “it's been 7 months”
tag floating unseen by the un-involved, next to the date, (I wonder
when it will be that I am able to stop counting the time in months) I
don't feel like crying.
I just feel tired.
I've cried a lot already.
I was fine, thinking about
Thanksgiving, thinking about all the things I'm grateful for as I
cooked yet another dessert in my kitchen on Wednesday night. But it
was the thoughts of gratitude that made me sad. Kathleen always
leaned on gratitude. It's what she emphasized and promoted every day.
So she became synonymous with Thanksgiving in my mind and I broke
down in tears while I baked.
I cried again just hugging my mom in
her kitchen.
I'm so grateful for my mom. For my
family.
And I just kept on crying on and off
all night Wednesday and all day Thursday.
And yet, despite all the tears, I am
still grateful.
I am grateful to have known her these
last few years.
I'm grateful to be close with her
family.
I'm so grateful to have learned from
her.
I seek to find gratitude in the little
things when times are tough and dark because that's how she wanted
everyone to live. That's how she believed we could find and reach our
best moments.
I'm so grateful, Mama Bell.
That doesn't mean I'm not also so very
sad.
You and everyone who loves you are in
my thoughts, my prayers, and my well wishes as we move past
Thanksgiving and into the Christmas season.
But I'll still miss you.
With love and gratitude,
~Rose
