And something blue.
Or
How Rose is unhealthy and loves her car and thought that writing it down would help but it has in fact made it oh so much worse.
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Almost five years ago. In the October that followed the worst summer of my life, I got a new car.
She was cute, and sporty. A Pontiac Sunfire that I un-creatively called "Sunfire" but justified because of how much spirit she had, how much light she gave to my messy and crumbling life.
I love that car. I still do, five years later when she.is falling apart and no one but me sees any worth in her.
But she's falling apart. There are a lot of problems. The electrical system is wonky, the engine won't stay cool, it's very loud from a possible exhaust hole (which we've fixed once before)...
Right now, she can't travel more than 30 mins away without possibly overheating.
And yet, I don't want to give her up. I don't want to send her to the junk yard because five years ago, she was a light in my life when I was falling apart and now that she's falling apart, I'm giving up and it's not fair.
I know it's unhealthy. I've been crying over this car for weeks and it's only worse now because I've officially put down the money for another car.
I've been crying all day, for the past few days.
But today especially.
I don't want to give her up. I don't want to junk her.
To me, she isn't junk.
This stupid car with all her stupid problems has been my escape and I never wanted to let go.
I can't even explain how good it felt the first day I drove her. It was just a test drive, but I knew the moment I sat in that drivers seat.
I knew she was my car. I was, in my way, in love.
If I'm being honest, I do like my new (used) car. It's sporty, and fun. A mustang. It isn't super loud. The directionals all work. The radio doesn't shut off at random. It has AC, power windows, a 6cylinder engine... All these good things that I appreciate.
It's even a nice dark green color.
But it's not my car.
I'm actually kind of afraid I'm trading something I love and whose problems I understand for something that looks great now, but might not be worth it later.
Something that I will be bitter toward and hate because it's not my Sunfire,
I know the demons that possess my Sunfire. But not this car.
And yes, I know. I'll learn them.
But I stubbornly don't want to.
I want my car to be my car, forever.
If I could, I would pay to have her fixed up. To redo the electrical system, replace the rotting body frame.
I would do anything, it seems.
But it's only worth it to me.
And even after all this. I know she's just a car.
And cars don't last forever.
I know it. But it still hurts.
I feel like I'm giving up on a really good friend.
I feel like, I'm giving up on me.
