A car that's old, a car that's new...

....something borrowed.
And something blue.

Or

How Rose is unhealthy and loves her car and thought that writing it down would help but it has in fact made it oh so much worse.

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Almost five years ago. In the October that followed the worst summer of my life, I got a new car.
She was cute, and sporty. A Pontiac Sunfire that I un-creatively called "Sunfire" but justified because of how much spirit she had, how much light she gave to my messy and crumbling life.
I love that car. I still do, five years later when she.is falling apart and no one but me sees any worth in her.
But she's falling apart. There are a lot of problems. The electrical system is wonky, the engine won't stay cool, it's very loud from a possible exhaust hole (which we've fixed once before)...

Right now, she can't travel more than 30 mins away without possibly overheating.

And yet, I don't want to give her up. I don't want to send her to the junk yard because five years ago, she was a light in my life when I was falling apart and now that she's falling apart, I'm giving up and it's not fair.
I know it's unhealthy. I've been crying over this car for weeks  and it's only worse now because I've officially put down the money for another car.
I've been crying all day, for the past few days.
But today especially.

I don't want to give her up. I don't want to junk her.
To me, she isn't junk.
This stupid car with all her stupid problems has been my escape and I never wanted to let go.
I can't even explain how good it felt the first day I drove her. It was just a test drive, but I knew the moment I sat in that drivers seat.
I knew she was my car. I was, in my way, in love.

If I'm being honest, I do like my new (used) car. It's sporty, and fun. A mustang. It isn't super loud. The directionals all work. The radio doesn't shut off at random. It has AC, power windows, a 6cylinder engine... All these good things that I appreciate.
It's even a nice dark green color.

But it's not my car.
I'm actually kind of afraid I'm trading something I love and whose problems I understand for something that looks great now, but might not be worth it later.
Something that I will be bitter toward and hate because it's not my Sunfire,

I know the demons that possess my Sunfire. But not this car.
And yes, I know. I'll learn them.
But I stubbornly don't want to.

I want my car to be my car, forever.

If I could, I would pay to have her fixed up. To redo the electrical system, replace the rotting body frame.
I would do anything, it seems.
But it's only worth it to me.

And even after all this. I know she's just a car.
And cars don't last forever.
I know it. But it still hurts.

I feel like I'm giving up on a really good friend.
I feel like, I'm giving up on me.

Impromptu (and Obligatory?) Moving Post!

I've decided it's about time to restart my blog.

Mostly because I think that I've actually come to a point where I have something interesting to write about, moving.

Not just any kind of moving. But moving out of my parents house, where I've lived surrounded by my family (lots of people, lots of things going on, all the time) into an apartment of my own (small, alone, just me, all the time).

It's going to be a whirlwind (it already feels like thunder storm) and sometimes, especially when I've had a long day and I'm not feeling well and I think about it too much, I'm absolutely frightened by the idea of moving out.

It's scary being on your own after being not on your own for 20+ years.

Honestly though, with work and school and life and winter, stress is frequently overwhelming for me as is. So why I decided that now would be a good time to move out into my own apartment and add regular rent payments and transportation struggles to the list, is beyond me.

But that's what I decided to do. (The cheap rent and great neighbors helps...)

Tonight, I met the landlord, signed the lease, and put down the security deposit.

It was strange, meeting him. He was nice, military trained. I think he was surprised that I was able to sustain eye contact with him so well. Years in customer service, retail, and having relatives and friends in the military make my comfortable with that but it still surprises people. Pleasantly though, I think.

Anyway, the whole thing felt a bit like an impromptu job interview. Especially since I was in my work clothes still. Although... it was almost more stressful because he was to be taking my money instead of paying me more.

Still, I got through it. Paid my dues, planned the day we would get underway.

Nerves are still crippling my ability to function optimally but I'm doing my best to focus on and “pulse positive emotions” as my Positivity Coach is teaching me.

Now to finish some school work, start drawing up a list of apartment supplies and begin the long, arduous process of packing...

Wish me luck~!